Saturday, 6 October 2012

Me versus my cold heart

Us versus the world.
Us versus the unpredictable future.
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When I was a child, I kept dreaming of the day that I will leave home and stand on my own two feet.
I envy the so called grown up for able to hang out with their friends after school hour,
make their own decision in shopping and also able to spend money on things that they love. 
Those kind of things seems cool at that time. 
So, I vow to be like them too, in the future.

But, seeing how the grown up make life seem so easy makes me feel inadequate.
Cause I do not have the confidence, that I can lead my life same as them.
And as I grow up, life proven to be harsh for me.
and I seriously lose the confidence to be a person. A living person.
Being surrounded by 'good' friend supposed to be good too.
But, their personality was too good for me and I don't know why I kept comparing myself to others and feeling that they was awesome than me scared me. I'm scared that I won't live up to their standard and I started to keep distance from people. Having a weird feeling that I have no right to be one of their friend.
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Few angels come to my life though, and together we grows to be the grown up that I used to envy when I was small.
But those angles, even though they are special enough in my heart, I never kept them to myself.
I let them loose and let them find another angels of their own.
"If you hold on to something too tight, you will suffocate it"
And that's why friends, I never hold on to any of you, cause I don't want to suffocate you with my presence.
And for not holding on to you, 
you turned to another person for a more warmth friendship that mine.
My heart was not made of steel. 
I dislike the weird feeling that I felt after losing any of my friend.

Having those angels leave me after secondary school was not easy too. Out from my comfort zone, I created a wall around me. Wall of insecurity. The wall that I kept on making me a socially awkward person.
And thats why too friends,
I never get attached with any of you.
The wall is still there, and..
I built a gate to my heart, but lose the key in the process of growing up.

Part I of Gee's heart. :)

1 comment:

  1. I dont hold on to certain friends too. i'm the type that mingle around and at the end of the day, back being alone again.

    but i dont take it as a bad thing, i mean yeahh, mau juga bff yg sgt bff, kemana2 berdua ja. tapi i love my lonely time and i enjoy being together with everyone :)

    being a grown is such a challenge right? that the next thing u wish is you are a child again.